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“Satan wants you to allow the worst day of your life to dictate the rest of your life”
miscarriage #2 happened today. i was 6 weeks pregnant. i had cramping, then spotting, then some more cramping and a back ache. the usual.
i cried and cried and cried some more. i cuddled lila, loved on her and thank God that lila wasn’t mobile yet…just so i could cuddle her and not have to worry about her running away from me. i cried on my husbands chest and asked him why? then i called my dad and talked to him. he always seems to have the most perfect words to say to me to help me feel better. the second he picked up the phone, i just broke down and bawled. i was crying so hard that i had a hard time telling him that i had a miscarriage. he knew. i think he knew the second i said “hi” in my shaky voice that something was wrong with the baby. gosh i love him. he told me to never give up. that i’m strong and i could figure out what was wrong and eventually create a new life that will make all this pain worth it. he inspired me. after the miscarriage i was dead set on never trying again, because that “pain” i was talking about in an earlier post came back and that’s when i drew the line. i never wanted to experience another miscarriage ever again! then danes parents came over, they got pizza, i ate a bunch of junk food and drank soda..just because it made me feel a little better. then we played basketball and i started to smile again! then apparently basketball got things rolling and i came home, sat down on the toilet and “gave birth” to my baby. it was heart breaking. in my 26 years of roaming the earth, the sight i saw tonight was the most agonizing sight ever..EVER. my baby, i grew for 6 weeks was gone, forever. i saved it until i could call the OB to see if he wanted genetic testing. he said no, it wasn’t going to change the outcome or trying again in the future. i was on progesterone gel, so it obviously wasn’t a hormone issue. we can finally cross that off the list. the OB told me that i should call and make an appointment tomorrow and do some testing on me. figure out what could be causing my losses. i can get pregnant on the dot..perfectly on the first try. but for some reason my babies can’t hang on for long.
i got on facebook right after my dad’s phone call and one of my husband’s WOLBI friends posted the above “Satan wants you to allow the worst day of your life to dictate the rest of your life”...it was so strange. i read it right after i got off the phone with my dad..almost like it was meant for me..like God was trying to convince me that it’s not time to give up just yet..he was telling me to figure out whats wrong, fix it (hopefully) and he’ll bless us with another amazing gift.
God is truly amazing. i love him and adore him. something about the bad/hard times really make me realize his true miracles in our lives and future. so now i have two sweet angel babies in heaven, waiting for me..it sadden’s me to say that i have more children in heaven, then i do on earth…life seems completely unfair sometimes.
meanwhile i’m blessed with this amazing kid. i love her. God made her specially for me..he knew i would need her during these losses. he knew that she would cuddle me and look up to smile at me..to remind me everything will be ok and one day she’ll be a big sister.
here’s to a new beginning. tomorrow i will call my OB-GYN and start my testing. i have a feeling clomid is in my future, as much as i hate that stuff! i promise to keep you all updated and hopefully God will bless us with another jackson baby soon enough.
my friend on facebook gave me this LINK to read. if anyone on my bloggie is having miscarriages and don’t know why..it’s a good read.
and..if you pray, please pray for us. please pray God will heal our sadden hearts, give us hope and strength to move on and hopefully bless us again with a strong sticky bean:)
we had so much fun and got tuckered out–that when we arrived home, lila and i fell asleep almost immediately to my dad talking away. ha! it was nice. i pretty much puffy heart my family. i have to say i’m certainly blessed to have my dad back in my life again (he kinda backed away in my elementary years and returned my high school years), though at first it was hard to let him back in again–it was truly worth it 110%! he’s a great dad and a great papi (ie grandfather), that’s what he likes to be referred too. hehe. he’s so good with lila. my dad could literally play with her for hours on the floor (even with his bad back), talk to her, say “what’s upppp!” to her in his silly voice! ha! he looks past her genetic oops, doesn’t sit there and examine her to see what she can or can’t do, he’s not negative about the things she can’t do and keeps reminding me that “she’ll do it in her own time”. he’s so positive about her and that positive energy bounces back on me–and that’s so helpful and encouraging. danes parents are the same way. i’m blessed lila has some amazing grandparents that will be with her during the hard times and celebrate with us during her happy times..she needs that in her life. she needs that in order to succeed. she needs that to be happy. she’s pretty blessed if i say so myself!
not sure how that works, but i guess it does! i’ve been seeing it too. even with lila’s expressions on her face and that famous dana jackson smile..both girls inherited it. lucky bumms! i can’t WAIT to get a picture of just the two of them together next month and hang them in my house! two of the prettiest girls roaming the earth:)